Tolerance and True Love

Last week I found myself at a clergy meeting designed to meet and encourage those discerning a call into ministry. Not that I'm not clear how I got there ... Anyway, one young man, whom I'd never seen, met, or even heard of, introduced himself and we began, as a gathering of about a dozen, to listen to his journey to this point. He's serving as a minister to students in a fairly large church and has a pretty high profile with the full congregation - appreciated and affirmed by everyone. He's served in a couple of other churches before this one and each a different denomination or tradition. When asked to name one of the greatest lessons he's learned in his discernment and service to this point, he said " tolerance and love are not the same thing."

I've been chewing on that statement, that revelation ever since. Tolerance, at least by definition, is the ability and/or willingness to respect another's beliefs, practices, etc., without sharing them. You could also define tolerance as the 'putting up with' another's beliefs, practices, etc. Paul hit the nail on the head (1 Cor 13) when he told us more of what love is NOT than what love is. Again, by definition, love is at least a passionate affection for another person. Aha ... now I see what the young man was saying! Matter of fact, I've lived it. And, if I'm gonna confess, might as well go all the way ... I even practice that some now, sad to say.

How many people do you really hold a passionate affection for in your office? Your classroom? your neighborhood? on your team? on your pew at church? See ... you and I have traded connection and passion (not, "ooh baby you make me hot" but "i so believe in this I'm taking care of it no matter what!") for just getting by. Partly because - and I'm owning this - that we don't want to be known. (You may not like what you see or hear and you might just reject me!) And, partly because we don't want the responsibility of one more thing or one more person and 'knowing' would lead to that.

I'm not advocating that we ditch our efforts at tolerance; let's just name them by the correct name. Tolerance and apathy-with-a-smile can look and smell a lot alike. I'm not sure we tolerate one another as much as we smile as if we care when truth is it takes too much out of us to care. The treasure for us, I believe, is found in two words - respect and choice. Love is always a choice, first. I choose to love. You choose to love. Or, we don't.

Tolerance is about respecting another's views, thoughts, perspectives, circumstance, etc., even if I can't relate or resonate. In my experience, many of us are so convinced that we're right about whatever the topic is that I cease to value you or anything you hold as truth when you disagree with me. Tolerance gets me through the quick line even when the "idiot" checking me out today is distracted, slow, and not doing her job as well as she could. Love tells me that she may really be that divested from her job OR that she may be facing difficult decisions, may not feel or be well, etc. Tolerance gets me through meeting with other pastoral leaders in this area who are less educated than me, slower on the draw, you get the point. Love reminds me that I have as much to learn as I do to teach, as much to receive as I do to give ... and Love Himself reminds me that God likes using the unlikely and the unexpected.

A passionate affection ... that's what love looks like. If I'm gonna love the weird, demanding, frustrating, suck-the-life-right-out-of-you people in my life the same way that God loves me (and that I love the easy folks), it'll begin with tolerance. But, it'll never stay there. If it's true love, it won't stay put ... it can't.